There is something about cycles, and something that calls us
to live in, to mark the cycles of life.
On this first day of the year 2013, this is the first time that I have
not had a strong sense of movement, of change, or even a sense of “beginning
again” on this, another New Year’s day.
Could be a sign of aging. For as long as I can remember, I have marked
this time as unique, for it was, well, the first. And for many, many reasons,
we always pay attention to firsts; first loves; first dates; first days of school,
first communions, first “whatever’s”.
My firsts are no longer marked by years, or months, as much
as days, hours, minutes even. The cycles
of my life now begin in odd places—mid-day, mid-month, mid-year, off season,
seemingly off track. My cycles have
begun with a new job, a new career focus, a new family situation, a new
challenge to rise to, a new learning opportunity, a new relationship to
navigate through, and lately, two things that have stood out from the crowd of
firsts, a new and serious medical condition of a loved one, and walking a new
path outside of the flow of a local church community. Those last two things are what I call the
cycle of the before and after.
Anyone who has walked the journey of a potentially
catastrophic illness knows exactly what I mean by the before and after. You begin each day with “what absolutely
needs to be done”. Anything that doesn’t
absolutely need to be done is simply not important. Yet, there is something
settling about cleaning the house, decorating for the holidays, washing the dishes,
re-organizing the closet. These small
things that could wait until tomorrow or another day, have taken on a new level
of importance. They help to bring order;
to add a sense of control over the immediate. Fortunately, my loved one’s illness is not
considered catastrophic, but it is serious, and it has been life changing. The cycle of the before and after.
The cycle of disconnecting from a local church community
began exactly one year ago. January 1,
2012 was on a Sunday. I didn’t go to
church that day. The previous Sunday, Christmas Day, and the day before that,
Christmas Eve, I was in the pew, content to simply be there soaking up the
presence of God with my fellow worshippers on one of our highest of holy
days. For an hour or two, I could sit
and absorb the scriptures that were read, the songs that were sung, the
messages of the devotions delivered, and forget during that space of time, that
life as I knew it, was seriously altered.
At that time I would not even let myself feel the feelings of being
denied ordination by the committee tasked with that role. All sorts of coping mechanisms kicked in to
help me ride that out. Talking to people
about it was not helpful. Which is no small irony given my day job. There were a small few that I trusted enough
to share the details and my churning emotions.
I started this blog as a way to
simply let people know that I was OK. But even that became laborious and I had
to begin simply marking the days, the cycle, in new ways. One of those new ways was completing the
process of becoming a published author.
Another was settling into the role of the first call of vocation. It would be the first time in years that I
was singly focused. And of course, all
of that even took a backseat to walking the health journey with my spouse.
So as I reflect on this particular cycle, I find that I miss
those moments when I could sit and soak in the presence of God without being
distracted by new ritual and new liturgy. I find that there is indeed comfort
in the familiar. My relationship with God remains comfortable and familiar.
Meeting up with God’s people in unfamiliar spaces and places is… hmmm … not so
much. Some would say, well, why not go
back to the familiar and the comfortable?
And my answer would be because I am compelled to go forward. I do not know where the journey forward
leads. I am trusting God to let me know
when I should stop and sit awhile.
Today, this New Year’s Day feels very much like most days,
another day to do the right thing, however God leads, with whatever and whoever
crosses my path. It’s another day to
remember that I am connected to a Source who sustains me and illuminates my steps
on this unfamiliar path, and to whose purpose I yield. Today and every day I praise God for being my
source, from which I draw strength and peace and joy and direction. It’s a new day. It’s a new year. God is forever
unchanging and forever making things new. I am so grateful to be comfortable with that
particular paradox. So, it’s a new day
and a new year. It’s another day to be
challenged and surprised by the happenings on the path of life I walk. It’s another opportunity to trust and follow the
one who leads me on it.
Hello 2013! Glad
that I am here to meet you. I’m ready.
My answer is yes. Let's go!
Shalom
Jdw
